Cultivating Self-Compassion

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” – Anna Quindlen

For someone who can oftentimes have an incredibly low amount of self-esteem, the nomenclature of being a “perfectionist” seems a bit ironic to me. Perfectionists, as the name would suggest, want everything they produce and put out into the world to be perfect – anything that is less than this standard is considered unacceptable to them. When they do fall short of perfect (as happens often, as perfection is an unachievable standard), the shame kicks in, telling them they aren’t good enough. For something called perfectionism, ironically enough, it often leads to feelings of being an incredibly imperfect person.

Feelings of perfectionism and shame operate cyclically, like most addictive habits. Feelings of shame, brought on from anywhere, lead to a mindset of, “I need to be perfect so as to improve my life,” which, when this goal inevitably falls short, leads to more shame, and the cycle begins anew. As Brené Brown puts it, “Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame.” Shame is where perfectionism stems from, and vice versa.

Many of those who have perfectionist attitudes, including myself, justify it with the guise of self-improvement. “By working to do the best I can at everything I do,” we might say, “I’m creating a good work ethic for myself.” The first glaring problem with this logic is that perfectionists are not simply satisfied with trying their best: their results must be the best. There is nothing wrong with trying your best in all you do – that’s a great thing. But beating yourself up when what you create or achieve isn’t actually the best is a dangerous way to live. It is for this reason that perfectionists are much less willing to take risks than others. The goal of perfection becomes even less attainable when it involves something new, so, “Why risk more disappointment?” By sticking to what they know, says the perfectionist, the chances for disappointment are substantially lower.

Brené says: “Perfectionism is, at its core, about getting approval from others.” I genuinely believe that most people out there, even the perfectionists, know that nobody is, nor ever will be perfect. I think that most people realize this, even if they’re at different levels of accepting it. This only lends strength to the argument that perfectionism is “other-focused.” Healthily striving to improve yourself is focused on self – how can I improve, so my life is more fulfilling? Perfectionism is based on others – what will they think?

At its heart, perfectionism is also about control, over yourself and what you put into the world. Something that cannot be controlled, no matter how hard we may try, is others’ perceptions of us. We can toil day and night to impress someone, but the fact of the matter is that there is always somebody who will see things differently than you, someone whose idea of perfect is light years away from yours. As such, perfectionism, along with making yourself infallible, is about making yourself liked by everyone around you – two utterly impossible goals. Shame is inevitable in the pursuit of perfection.

Your biggest tool in the battle against perfectionism is self-compassion. Being kind to yourself is understanding that you are only human, and as humans we are, by our very nature, makers of mistakes. Self-compassion is the middle ground between ignoring your mistakes, and blowing them out of proportion, à la perfectionism. See your shortcomings and learn from them, but forgive yourself for them. Don’t shame yourself for what you’ve done imperfectly, embrace it, and use that experience to help you in the future.

With this attitude, it’s easier to be less judgmental of others as well. To accept that you’re a human who makes mistakes, is to realize (and subsequently accept) that we’re all humans who make mistakes. As completely cliché as it is to say that we’re all “perfectly imperfect,” I believe it to be true. “Human being” and “flawless” are not two phrases that belong together in the same sentence.

This attitude adjustment doesn’t happen overnight – it takes practice. Many of us are raised on values that, to different degrees, encourage us to strive for as close to perfect as we can reach, the whole “good enough isn’t good enough” mantra. The best you can do is good enough, but it doesn’t have to be the best. It’s hard to break out of a mindset that’s oftentimes instilled into us at an early age, but it is possible, and it’s worth it.

We’ve all heard the phrase “nobody is perfect,” so which should that not include you or me? You don’t need to be perfect to be good, and quite frankly, I’d rather have someone call me a “good person” than a “perfect person.” By practicing self-compassion, you will come to realize, you aren’t just good enough, you’re good.

Stay strong.

– Ryan

Add: Much of the inspiration for this series of posts comes from Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W., a writer and researcher who has written multiple books on shame and courage. Her TED talks are available on her website, and she’s also available on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn. I would highly suggest checking out her work.

Her website

Her Twitter

Living with Depression

There’s no cure for depression. A combination of prescribed medication and therapy can variably lessen the impact the illness has from person to person, but this is by no means a permanent solution. Clinical depression, in a much less detailed nutshell, is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, particularly concerning serotonin and dopamine. Medication, as well as a healthy lifestyle and proper self-care, can help to regulate these chemicals, but that’s really all it can do. Now, it may feel like I’m starting this post off with a very direful mindset, but as my aim with this post is to address the realities of living with depression, I believe it’s important to be realistic and honest, as opposed to spouting motivational lies. But I promise, it isn’t as grim as it sounds.

Depression, like many other illnesses both physical and mental, is ever-present. Experts say it’s likely that at least 60 percent of those who’ve had a depressive episode will have a second, 70 percent of those who have had two episodes will have a third, and 90 percent of those who have had three will have a fourth. As the number of depressive episodes increases, so too does the likelihood of another. To clarify, depressive episodes are not the same as clinical depression as an illness – episodes refer to periods of time, lasting anywhere from days to months, in which one is suffering from depressive symptoms. In short, a multitude of depressive episodes are what make up clinical depression as a whole.

A statement from Thomas Franklin, M.D. speaks to me as being one of the most accurate representations of what depression is, anatomically speaking. He describes the illness as being biopsychosocialspiritual, meaning it oftentimes permeates every aspect of the life in one who’s suffering from it. Physical, mental, spiritual, social…depression can be informally considered an illness of any type. There is much we still don’t understand about it, and with time, research, and prayer, hopefully there will come a day where we can eradicate it altogether, but for now, we live with it as best we can.

In the Harry Potter series, according to author J.K. Rowling herself, dementors are a direct reference to clinical depression, mirroring her own experiences with it. For those who aren’t fans of Harry Potter (first off, why not?), dementors are ghostly, cloaked, disturbing creatures, who attempt to kill a person by literally sucking their soul out. Yikes. As morbid of a metaphor as this may seem, it is accurate, as those suffering from depression often have the joy “sucked out of them” by the illness, preventing them from enjoying life as much as they should. Whilst many who have depression may not claim that their soul is missing, it does seem important to note that life, the very thing that builds and strengthens our souls, is what’s being threatened by depression.

I would be remiss to sit here and claim that I know what depression is like for everyone. Every person is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually different, and the way depression affects each person is different in each of those ways as a result. For myself, depression is a creeping beast, ready to pounce when I least expect it. My depression is the almost eternal pessimistic attitude, and the devil on my one shoulder, though oftentimes it feels like it’s on both. My dementor ensures that only the happiest of moments can drive it away, and even so, it will oftentimes rear its ugly head after the euphoria has died down. My depression causes me to think about returning to my bed for a large chunk of the day, only to have me return to it at night, wide-eyed and worrisome for the next day.

Credit: Jake Likes Onions

Accepting my depression is accepting that I will never be as comfortable in social situations as many others. Very rarely will I be the one to take initiative in much of anything, and logic will oftentimes fall to the wayside as my decisions are emotionally based on trying to lessen the impact of my depression in the present, as opposed to making decisions that will help me combat it in the future.

I’ve accepted my depression. I’ve come to (relative) peace with the fact that much of my life will be spent trying to live in harmony with it. The key is realizing that it doesn’t have to govern my life. Depression, by its very nature, is a condescending acceptance, a resigned sigh that things aren’t going to get better – if anything, it says that things will get worse. That’s what depression tells me, and all else who suffer from it. This is one of the plethora of lies it will heap on whoever unwillingly listens to it, another step forward in its job to make people’s lives worse.

Whether or not you believe medication makes things better, anatomically, it does help. From our very, VERY limited knowledge of depression, we can see prescribed medications make the numbers we want to go up, up, and the ones we want to see go down, go down. I’d be lying through my teeth if I told you if I knew what all of those numbers are, but from my own research and personal experience with psychiatrists, serotonin and dopamine are the two golden chemicals in this this regard. Our brains need certain amounts of each one of these to make us happy. Regulating these chemicals is key to combating clinical depression.

As any good doctor will tell you, though, popping a few pills isn’t nearly enough to avoid recurring depressive episodes. Having good mental health is a full-time job, and it includes balancing all aspects of your life. Depression makes this even harder, though, as the very likelihood of its existence is based on inadequate mental health management. This is why I cannot stress enough: if you need help, ask for it. Although the stigma surrounding asking for help has been dying over the past few years, there is still a strong mindset out there that believes asking for help is a sign of weakness. We’ve all seen the movies where the stubborn husband on a road trip refuses to ask a local for help because “real men don’t ask for directions.” Don’t be that person. Real men and women aren’t afraid to admit their hindrances, because they realize everyone has their own.

Notice I didn’t say “admit their faults,” there, as depression isn’t a fault, just like it isn’t your fault it you’re suffering from chicken pox. You clearly didn’t pick your genes out and say, “Ooh, depression? That sounds fun!” It’s not your fault, nor is it a fault in character. It’s an unfortunate character trait to have, sure, but that doesn’t make you worth any less. It’s a part of your life, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can learn to live with it, if not harmoniously, at least tolerably.

As with many posts I don’t sit down and plan out beforehand, this was a little all over the place, and for that I apologize. If there’s any one thing I’m trying to get across here, it’s to show how those who have depression can view the world, and broadly explaining how I believe the illness can be dealt with. Sure, there’s no cure for depression, but there are ways to live with it, and decrease the chances of its return once it lessens. There’s help everywhere, all you have to do is ask.

Stay strong.

– Ryan

“Life isn’t fair” doesn’t cut it

An incredibly common cause of frustration in my life comes from a feeling of unfairness – like I’ve been cheated out of what I deserve (or, in some cases, don’t deserve). If you’re human, you’ve undoubtedly had your own moments of intense emotion over unfair situations. Whether one of these situations is of your own making or not, feeling like what should be the case isn’t the case is, to say the least, rather discouraging.

There’s the old adage of “life isn’t fair, deal with it,” which, for me, does little to rectify the situation. In the heat of the moment during a situation you deem unfair, it can be difficult to look at a resolution with a level head and “deal with it,” at least in a way deemed socially acceptable. Looking at my own life, the times when I seem to lose most of my sense is in situations I’m involved in that seem to put me on the bottom rung. There have been times where it has taken all of my self-control not to storm out of work, not to rage at a family member, simply because my mind was trying to argue for justice of my own treatment. Whether or not the moment in question actually is unfair isn’t the point – the fact of the matter remains that my emotions still run rampant.

Before I continue, let me just state for the record – I am fully aware that life is not and never will be fair. I see no obtainable, utopian future where everyone gets what they think they deserve and nothing less – that is literally, physically impossible. As long as there are people with free will, there will be a vast majority of them who feel unfairly treated.

As much as I despise the phrase, I believe accepting the fact that life is indeed unfair is the first step in dealing with it. It’s a hard truth. It sucks. But that doesn’t change what is. I am still very much learning how to deal with unfairness – my crappy day at work where I felt said emotion is what inspired this post in the first place. However, I do have a few tools in my arsenal that have proved invaluable in this fight.

First,

I try to look at how much this situation will actually matter in the long run. We tend to get so caught up in our own heads when we’re faced with a situation that makes us feel any kind of uncomfortable. The defense mechanisms in our brain are frustratingly fantastic at making us believe that all of our energy needs to be focused on remedying the bad situation we find ourselves in. What remedy our brain comes up with varies with personality, but either way, we’re still so focused on finding that solution.

Looking back on situations in which I’ve felt a feeling of unfairness in in the past, the vast majority of the ones I can pinpoint didn’t affect my life in any notable way past when the situation was said and done with. Not to say that the situations were always resolved – I didn’t always join the other person for a picnic and a walk in the park afterwards, but simply done. For example, if you have a bad day at work, how much of that really makes a difference once you get home, unless you’re fuming about it in your own head? In the case of unfair situations, the majority of the stress comes from not getting what we believe we should – justice, for lack of a better word. Unfair situations only have as much power to make you distressed as you give them.

Secondly,

I try to remember what I am blessed with, and how many less fortunate people would look at me as the one with a better situation.

As cliché as this example may be, I try to think of those who are struggling every single day just to get something to eat. They may wake up every morning, unsure of whether or not they’ll have a meal that day. Meanwhile, I eat three meals a day and snacks in between without much thought to it. I have days where I cry bloody murder if I don’t have enough caffeine in my system, while across the world, there are families who would sacrifice so much just to have a quarter of what I have.

Simply put, remember what you have, and be grateful for it. Life may not always be fair to you, but I wholeheartedly guarantee that you have it better than plenty of others.

Finally,

I try to discern the times to be healthy, and the times to be right. In the words of Marcia Reynolds, Psy. D:

 You decide where to put your most precious resource-your energy. Let go of what you cannot control.

In the end, one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself is to learn to quickly discern when it is time to let go from when it is time to react. There are times you need to stand up to what is unfair. There are times to move on.

Don’t beat yourself up for having an emotional reaction. Your brain is doing what it is supposed to do-protect you. Instead, recognize when you are having an emotional reaction, take a breath and choose how you best want to respond.

Source: How to Deal with Unfairness

Life is fist-clenchingly unfair. It always will be. That’s why it’s so important to find healthy, socially acceptable ways to deal with situations that put you in an unfair position. Remember that what may feel like the right course of action in a tense moment may just be your brain doing its best to fight for justice for you. Take a breath. Separate yourself from the situation for a moment if possible and collect yourself. If, even then, you feel that the right thing to do is fight for your equal treatment, then go for it. But also remember that, although it may not feel good right away, sometimes the best course of action is inaction – walking away from the situation, or concentrating on something else. Remember what you do have going for you in life, and hold onto that.

Stay strong.

– Ryan

 

Maintaining Mental Health

Happy Mental Health Awareness Month!

Depression is one of those things that seemingly has no rhyme or reason as to when it decides to rear its ugly head. Sure, it’s always more or less prevalent in the lives of those who suffer from it, but there are times when it decides to take over every aspect of the way you think, feel, and view the world. It’s rather well-known by now that depression is largely based in the makeup of brain chemicals.

In short, depression (chemically) stems from a lack of dopamine and hypo sensitivity to serotonin in the brain. Dopamine, known as the “happy chemical,” is essential to keeping our motivation going. In other words, when you feel little to no excitement over doing things that once pleased you, there is a good chance this is related to a dopamine deficiency. The relationship between serotonin and the brain in someone who’s depressed is a bit more complex. More often than not, someone who suffers from depression is not deficient in serotonin, but rather the neurotransmitters in the brain are not accepting and absorbing the chemical. Serotonin is thought to regulate things such as a constant sleep schedule and appetite, which are two things that are often lacking in depression sufferers. If you’re interested, I wrote a post a while back on the more technical aspects of depression here: Clinical Depression, broken down.

Since depression is oftentimes so rooted in chemical imbalances, it rarely “goes away.” Medication can help to alleviate symptoms and bring some stability to the chemicals in the brain, and therapy can help with the more apparent effects of the depression, but to expect such a mentally crippling illness to simply disappear is uncommon, as nice as it would be. So why, then, does depression seem to hit us harder at some moments than others? Personally, I can go weeks without feeling like my depression is keeping me from doing things – I can hang out with friends and genuinely enjoy myself, get out of bed at a reasonable time, and eat all three meals in a day as opposed to just snacking far too much at one point in the day.

Of course, I’ve experienced the flip side of this more often than I can count. I’ve gone months without doing anything social with friends, had no discernible eating pattern, and my sleep schedule has been so out of whack that I was closer to nocturnal creature than human.

And whilst I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum of depression, far more often, I’m somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. Not terribly depressed, not carefree, but simply feeling average. So again, I ask, what causes depression to go one way or another? For those who have it, it’s always there, but it seems to be a matter of chance whether it’ll get worse or lessen.

I’m far from an expert. I don’t have a degree in psychology or a doctorate; any opinions I state here are from talking to others with depression and my own experiences. From what I can tell, depression is affected by what goes on outside of the brain, in our lives, just as much as (if not more than) what chemical imbalances there are in our brains. Our social lives, our sleep schedule, our establishment of a somewhat consistent (at least) schedule…the list goes on. This may seem obvious to some, but for those whose lives can be overtaken at a moment’s notice by depression, it can be quite easy to lose grasp of this seemingly simple concept.

I think of maintaining your mental health like maintaining a garden. You can go out and buy the highest quality seeds possible, and plant them in the most fertile, open land you can find. The setup is ripe with success. However, if you don’t water and cultivate those seeds, working to remove any weeds that spring up, those seeds won’t grow and bloom into something as beautiful as they have the potential to be. The land in which you plant those seeds are the environment you’re in, i.e. the people who support you in the form of healthy relationships. Maintaining your garden after it’s planted is taking the steps needed to keep yourself mentally healthy – keeping a consistent sleeping and eating schedule, making an effort to go out and be social at least occasionally, staying active, and attending therapy and taking medication prescribed to you, if you feel that’s what you need to keep yourself afloat. Picking weeds is removing any unhealthy habits and influences from your life, especially those that tend to make depression worse – smoking, drinking, and overeating. These habits are nothing but temporary relief, trading a moment of peace for tougher consequences later on down the line.

A mistake often made by those suffering from depression is thinking that because they may be in one of their moments of (for lack of a better term) not-so-apparent depression, they can fall off of their mentally healthy habits without any type of fallout. They begin to go to bed a bit later, eat a bit more, consume alcohol more often…and they fall back into a deep depression, because they let their “mental guard” down and allowed depression to reestablish control over them. It’s a vicious cycle – feel good because the depression isn’t acting up as much, fall back into unhealthy habits because it feels fine, deep depression creeps back in because of a lack of care, work to re-cultivate a healthy lifestyle, and the cycle begins anew. The key is to find the sweet spot, so that you find a way to re-cultivate a healthy lifestyle,and keep it that way.

I may make it sound easy here. It isn’t. I struggle with this every single day, as does nearly every individual who struggles with depression. If you know somebody who is so skilled at keeping their depression in check that it’s like they don’t have it at all, even in the privacy of their own home, kudos to them. You know one of the few. If mental health was so easy to maintain, I guarantee it wouldn’t get nearly as much attention as it does. A benefit to this is the amount of resources now made available to everyone, free of charge. At the end of this post, I’ll have a list of numbers available to those suffering from depression and things often tied to it.

If there’s any one point I’m trying to make with this post, it’s this: having a mentally healthy lifestyle is a balance of monitoring brain chemicals, mostly through medication, and maintaining a lifestyle which supports your intention to be happy. Being physical is as important for your mental health as it is physical health. Licensed therapists are such an underused resource for mental health, as many people attach a stigma to them; some people see them as a resource for those too weak to take care of themselves. This isn’t true in the slightest. I see a therapist every week, not because I can’t maintain a healthy lifestyle independently – I can. I see him because having him as resource, especially for those times my depression is acting up more than usual, is invaluable to me.

You deserve to be happy. Not just putting on a smile for those who see you, but genuinely happy. Depression doesn’t want you to be happy – it’s in the name. But by maintaining as many aspects of your life as you can, you can be stronger than the illness. As always, whether I know you or not, feel free to send me a message if you want to talk – I’m happy to do whatever I can to help lessen the burden of depression, if I can.

US Suicide Hotline —— 1-800-784-2433

NDMDA Depression Hotline – Support Group ————– 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline ———- 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline ——– 630-482-9696

Parental Stress Hotline – Help for Parents ——— 800-632-8188

Suicide & Depression Hotline – Covenant House ——— 800-999-9999

National Youth Crisis Hotline ——– 800-448-4663

Source: Telephone Hotlines and Helplines

Note: All numbers listed above are U.S. numbers. A quick Google search can give any available hotlines for your country of residence. A few UK numbers are listed in the source link above.

Stay strong.

– Ryan

You are worth so much, another reminder

There have been times – many, in fact – where I feel worthless. My thoughts toss over one another as if in a tumble dryer, telling me I should be “farther” in life than where I currently am. I look at friends, acquaintances, family members, who have all accomplished so much, found what their life is meant to be about, and the most appropriate emotion that comes to mind is discouraged. Lazy. Simply put, crappy. In my personal experience, there are few feelings as terrible as scrutinizing yourself and coming to the conclusion, “I’m not enough.”

I know I’ve written on this topic before, so forgive me if I’m redundant from my previous posts, but this is a topic quite personal for me, and I know for many others as well. I wanted to revisit it, especially because over the past few weeks I’ve felt more worthless than normal. Suffering from depression, I’m clearly not blessed with high self-esteem in the first place, but even on bad days I usually have enough self-acceptance to tell myself, “you’re enough.” Unfortunately, as I lay here in bed, up rather late for someone who has to be at work at four in the morning, I feel the need to release my feelings on this subject once again.

For myself, there’s always been something tragically pitying about trying to pat yourself on the back…the equivalent of a “cheer up bud” from a coach, or some cheapy, dollar-store participation medal whilst everyone else gets gold and silver. A consolation prize, if you will. I want a gold medal, so telling me that the participation medal is just as cool isn’t going to cut it for me. I, like many others, don’t want to settle. Most aren’t asking for the world, they’re simply asking for contentment, a sense of accomplishment that isn’t acknowledged as, again, a figurative pat on the back.

In my view, it all comes down to comparisons (another topic I’ve written on multiple times before, for the same reason) – holding yourself to a standard that someone else has set for themselves, and beating yourself up emotionally when you fail to reach it. Logically, I think it’s fairly easy to point out the flaws in this way of thinking. For one, the standards you may try to hold yourself to aren’t even yours. As a 24-year old, I can look at another person of my age and say, “Oh, they’ve graduated college, and they’re on a fast track to a career. I’m physically at the same point in my life as them, and I haven’t achieved either of those things and as such, I’m a failure in that regard.” Perhaps my example of hearkening myself to a failure is a bit extreme, but it’s still the same train of thought that many go through when judging themselves based on standards set for others.

So, as I look at this person who has completely different circumstances, skills, social groups, and just a different life in general, I still find a way to expect myself to be at the same level of “accomplishment” as they are. Can you see the flawed logic? Simply put, despite any similarities we may have in our lives, the fact remains that our lives are not the same. For every similarity we have, we have ten more differences between us, in so many different aspects of our lives. So, when we hold ourselves to a standard based off of somebody else’s life, it’s bound to end in disaster.

With all of this, there’s the snowball of emotions we call “worth.” I don’t mean literal, financial worth, but instead our self-worth; how much of an achieving human being we see ourselves as. In my opinion (and that’s all it is), the entire concept of worth in our society is gross, poisonous, and just plain hurtful. As a millennial in the United States, I was passively expected by American society to have graduated college. As someone who has not, my job prospects are severely limited, and I can’t even tell you the amount of time I’ve been asked by family members who I barely talk to when I’m going back to school, as if it’s low-key expected of me.

Of course, this is just one of many examples, all based on where you live, your family, living situation, etc. As I’ve tried to demonstrate thus far, this cultural and social mindset also leaks into our personal psyche. We are so prone to comparing ourselves to others, and using our discontent at not being where we want to be compared to others to fuel our motivations. I don’t believe that there’s anything inherently wrong with this, but when it gets to the point where it emotionally drains us, making us tell ourselves that we aren’t enough, it needs to stop. I’m convinced that there are much healthier ways to motivate yourself to achieve your goals in life.

So, in case you have trouble telling yourself this, as I do, let me be blunt: you are worth so much. Regardless of your social, financial, romantic, familial, or occupational situation, you are precisely where you’re supposed to be at this point in time. You are a unique individual, so acting like you should be where somebody else is in their lives just doesn’t make sense. Don’t get me wrong – I know we still compare ourselves to others anyway. Heck, I do it constantly. But that still doesn’t change the fact that you are you, and nobody else, no matter how desperately you wish that your “worth” was as great as theirs.

I’m worth plenty. He’s worth plenty, she’s worth plenty. It all just comes down to realizing that we all are, including you.

Stay strong.

– Ryan

 

Jealousy, Take Two

Oh, goodness, I haven’t written anything here in quite a while.

Since July, to be exact. I could give you the spiel of how I’ve been so terribly busy with work and…well, more work, but that’s probably not of much interest to you. But, for completion’s sake, I will say, I’ve started going into work much earlier than I had been used to, and I get home feeling like a zombie half of the time, so even when I say to myself, “Ooh, I’m gonna get home and write!”, any thought of that tends to exit my mind as soon as I see my beautiful, comfortable, incredibly inviting bed.

However, as I’ve been on this early morning schedule for some time now, my internal clock has (mostly) adjusted, and I hope to get back into the swing of updating this, at the very least, weekly. And so, as I’m here dog-sitting two adorable German Shepherds, I thought there’s no time like the present to get back into the swing of things. And so it is…

So, jealousy. I’ve done an entire post dedicated to this subject in the past, but being that it can be such a prevalent feeling in our lives (it certainly is for me), and given that I’ve felt jealously creeping into my own mind over the past few weeks, I thought it might be an interesting venture to revisit the subject.

Jealousy seems to be such a tragic facet of our first-world culture: They have something, I don’t have that something, I want that something and I’m bitter towards them for having it, bam, jealousy. For me, the feeling of jealously isn’t what’s inherently bad, it’s more so how it leads my mind to come to conclusions. When we’re intent on getting something someone else has, be it a material item or achievement, there’s often a thin line between what many call determination, and jealousy. The jealousy creeps in when we feel resentment towards others for having what we do not.

It seems that human society puts value on a great many things that, in the end, really don’t at all matter. Material possessions, achievements, titles. For some who get jealous over these things, it may be less of an arduous task to step back and say to themselves, “In the grand scheme of things, these possessions don’t matter. But what of things for which “want” could be argued? Marriage, children, a sturdy financial situation…some may argue jealousy is a healthy type of determination for these things, as love and a comfortable living situation are things all should strive for. If feeling jealous towards an individual or family that has these near “essentials” is the kick in the butt needed to get you working towards those things, can’t you argue for that bitterness? Doesn’t it help you more than harm you?

My own intuition says no. When jealousy is used as a motivator, it more often than not turns into a competition with another. I have the “healthiest marriage,” or the “best-behaved and loving children,” or “highest-paying job.” God knows we have an entirely too-competitive society already, so when we start to incorporate that competitiveness into our life goals, it turns our lives into finding contentment by simply being happy, versus finding contentment by trumping others. At the risk of sounding like I’m channeling the Dalai Lama, happiness should come from peace and contentment in ourselves, not from knowing we have the “best” anything of anybody.

Not to mention that if we fail in our jealousy-initiated competition, it only leads to more bitterness towards our “competitor.” “I wasn’t able to beat them out in having [insert possession/relationship/status here], so I’m going to be even more resentful towards them from now on.” I’m sure you’ve never consciously said this to yourselves, even in your mind, but the devil on your shoulder may plant that bug of revenge in your minds. Not that I support revenge in any sense of the word anyway, but this type of, “I-didn’t-get-what-you-have-now-I’m-bitter-and-resentful-towards-you type of revenge isn’t logical. If revenge is supposed to come from a place of somebody else actively working against you, how does revenge against someone who is just going about their life make any sense?

Like most negative emotions, jealousy also has a physical effect on you – racing heart, tensed muscles, even something more active such as staring the potential “competitor” down. Gone too far, a relationship built mostly on jealousy of another can spiral out of control, resorting to spying on them or their communications, or even going through their personal belongings. It goes without saying that these are destructive (and intrusive) habits.

My own jealousy becomes apparent when I notice my abdomen tensing up or my breathing quicken. I subconsciously flex my fingers in and out, not necessarily into fists, but as if all of my negative feelings are trying to escape through my hands. In my interactions with others I become snappy and rude, and when I interact with the one I’m jealous of, my passive-aggressiveness shines like a crude beacon to all.

So, even if jealousy can push us to strive for our goals, the collateral damage of ruined relationships, physical symptoms, and invasion of privacy is by no means worth it. If it gets to the point (which it often does) where others are starting to take notice of your lack of contentment, it’s time to take a step back and deal with the situation from neutral, level-headed ground.

So how do you deal with, or better yet, avoid jealousy altogether? I don’t claim to know what helps everyone, or even most people. I can only give you what helps me, and the most powerful tool in my personal arsenal is mindfulness. I talk up mindfulness like Billy Mays talked up OxiClean, but I do so because it works (the mindfulness, not the OxiClean. I dunno, I’ve never used OxiClean). In a nutshell, mindfulness is looking at situations not from a place of passionate, sometimes corrupting emotion, but instead with a clear head, only going back to revisit the situation in your mind once you’ve been able to interpret it from a level-headed perspective. By doing this, any overwhelming emotions that you felt during the moment in which the situation is happening have had time to die down, and as such, should no longer cloud your judgement or allow you to jump to conclusions based purely on the ferocity of your emotions. Instead of being the jury or executioner, being mindful is being the judge; looking at all sides of the situation and then coming to a conclusion, not the other way around. Keep in mind that being the judge and being judgmental are not the same thing.

It may also help you to avoid jealousy by simply telling yourself, “I’m not them.” Well, duh, you may say, but by admitting to yourself that different things happen to different people at different times at different points in their life, it’s easier to accept that not everything they have is something you should have, and vice versa. You’re different from them, and they you, and that’s how it should be.

As I stated earlier, I’ve been trying (and sometimes failing) to fend off jealousy myself for the past few weeks. For most, it isn’t easy, and even after writing this, I’m still probably going to go to work next week and feel, at the very least, a twang of jealousy. But, like a firefighter goes into a blaze with the correct tools to survive it, I feel that with the correct mental and emotional outlook, jealousy, like fire, can be overcome.

Stay strong.

–  Ryan

Gossip: the poison words

When’s the last time you talked about somebody behind their back? The last time you made comments, however small, about something someone else said or did? Based off of my own personal experience, it was probably fairly recently, maybe as recently in the last week or so.

Looking at the last time you gossiped, why did you do it? You had something to say about this person, and for whatever reason, you decided that it was easier to go behind their back and say whatever it was to somebody else, or maybe even multiple people. Maybe you were in a group of gossiping people and in order to join in, you brought up something juicy to add to the conversation. “Did you hear what he said,” or maybe, “I can’t believe she did _____!”

Before I continue, I should point out that I don’t mean to point the finger at you and scream “shame;” I’ve done my own fair share of gossiping in the past, as has nearly everyone. Whether we feel pressured into it by the conversation, or whether we simply enjoy creating drama in relationships, I’m willing to bet that every person you’ve met in your lifetime has gossiped about someone at least once. But, if I’m trying to get my point across to you, it makes the most sense for me to try and get you to think about your own actions, as opposed to somebody else’s. But I digress…

The word itself, gossip, has an already unsavory stigma attached to it – we associate gossip with the popular kids at school or the celebrity tabloids. Most people I know shake their heads at publications such as The Enquirer, a celebrity tabloid with headlines that are the equivalent of physical, tangible click-bait, but those same people often bring up others in their own lives behind their backs, laughing, scoffing, or even fuming at them.

So…gossip isn’t good. I don’t need to tell you that. Next to nobody will say they “support” gossip if you ask them about it, but nearly everyone still gossips anyway. Gossip is bad, hurtful, and deceitful, as most people will agree. So why the hell do we still do it?

Is it like smoking? Smoking has been clinically proven to be detrimental to your health, but I know dozens of smokers. Certainly they’re aware that it’s bad for them, but they do it because, one way or another, they enjoy it. It relaxes them, they like the smell/taste, etc. So is that why people still gossip? I don’t believe so, because while I know dozens of smokers, I know hundreds of people, and if each one of them gossips at least a few times, by that logic, they’d have to enjoy something about it. I refuse to believe that humanity is so incredibly demented that nearly all of us get our kicks out of going behind someone’s back. It just doesn’t add up, at least not for me.

I don’t write about this today because I’m being gossiped about, because as far as I know, I haven’t been recently (at least, not that I know of). I bring this up because I have experiences with friends who are being gossiped about, people whom I respect, admire, and care for immensely. The sad part is, the individuals who are doing the gossiping, I also respect, admire, and care for. If these people were fields of flowers, the part of them that gossips about others is scorched earth – burnt, dead foliage in a field of otherwise beautiful nature.

Again, I don’t claim any innocence in this, nor do I believe really any of us can. I don’t enjoy gossiping, but I’ve found myself doing it anyway when the conversation is leading towards it. This is something personal that I want to work on going forward – standing my moral ground with others, even when I feel pressured to conform to how they believe I should feel or act.

And while I’ve seen gossip many times in my life, I’ve also seen those who find out they’re being gossiped about. I’ve seen tears, collapsing against the wall…I’ve even seen holes left by fists of rage, peppered into the drywall. It’s heartbreaking. Whether the response to gossip is sadness, rage, or hatred, it all stems from a feeling of betrayal. Even if what was said about them wasn’t “all that hurtful,” the fact that it had to be brought up behind their back is often the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Absolutely nothing good comes of gossiping. All of us have our reasons we tell ourselves for doing it, but I swear to you that none of those reasons are worth it.

In the past few weeks alone I’ve seen so many people hurt emotionally by what has been said about them rather than to them by others, and I felt I needed to write something about it, partly to get it off my own chest. My mind is spinning and my heart is racing just writing this, because it’s genuinely something I feel incredibly passionate about, even if I’m nowhere near where I want to be in my “stop gossiping” journey myself. But I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try to get there.

Stay strong, and remember others.

– Ryan

Please, don’t take the people in your life for granted

To give you one of the biggest understatements of all time – life isn’t easy. Arguably, it isn’t really meant to be. Oftentimes, the most invaluable learning moments in our lives come from moments of sadness, despair, and failure. But, during those moments of sadness, despair, and failure, this is little consolation. When we’re depressed, angry, guilt-ridden, or any other one of those overpowering negative emotions life seems to enjoy throwing at us, rarely do we ask ourselves, “what can I learn from this,” or, “how can I apply this to my experiences in the future?” We just want those “valuable” experiences to be over and done with. Perhaps afterwards, when our emotions have come back into balance, we can look at those moments with a more level head and deem what we got out of those experiences, but in the moment, generally, our only thoughts are for it to be over and done with as soon as possible.

As such, during these times of duress, we try to find our comfort in certain things. Obviously, what these “things” are vary from person to person; God, friends, family, getting active, spending time with our pets, reading…the list is endless. Between individuals, however, there are generally a few constants when it comes to sources of comfort. One of these is people, whether it be family, friends, significant others, or co-workers. We may turn to others in hopes we can find some common ground in our suffering. We may hope that they can relate to our experiences and give us the keys to the kingdom: how to feel better. We may like the reassurance that we are indeed not alone in our duress, despite how often our brain can tell us that we are.

Regardless of our reasoning for turning to others, the fact remains that we do so because it oftentimes helps us get through those hard times, however it may do so. In times of emotional strain, our companions can be life-savers, telling us exactly what we need to hear exactly when we need to hear it. Even if they can’t, simply sitting there with us, simply being there for us, can do wonders for the emotional mind. Human connection is, at the root of its purpose, much of the reason for our lives. There’s a reason that solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments a human being can receive.

So, we turn to others during times of hardship, and they serve as a source of comfort, in whichever way they can, and, like all moments of emotional hardship, it passes. We go back to our lives, our tough moments happily behind us.

But what about the person (or people) who helped get you through those moments?

Do you remain eternally grateful to them, pledging to help get them through any hardships they may endure in the future? Or, as is unfortunately more likely, do they blend into the chorus of your other companions, remaining a source of comfort where you may need it, but otherwise just…there?

This isn’t to say they’re forgotten completely by any means, but all too often those who help us through this life’s hardest moments go underappreciated. Now, I’m not suggesting you shower them with praise every chance you get, lifting them up on your shoulders and parading them around the town, but I guarantee you that showing them what they’ve done for you hasn’t been forgotten will only benefit the relationship you have with them. Even small things, such as letting them know that you’re there for them in their own moments of hardship, can be just the touch of encouragement they need to get them through. Not always, but just the show of willingness to be there for them can do wonders for them emotionally.

Ask anyone born before 1950 and they’ll often tell you the same story – people these days don’t realize how lucky they are to have what they have (“I had to walk 5 miles to school uphill…BOTH WAYS!”). They didn’t have cell phones, or iPads, or Netflix, but we do, so be appreciative of it. I agree wholeheartedly, but there IS one thing they had that we do as well – relationships. Yes, we should be grateful for our cell phones and iPads and Netflix, but the same goes for the meaningful relationships we have with those in our lives. Lord knows you wouldn’t forget how Netflix (and ice cream) got you through that terrible breakup, so why would you forget your friend who convinced you there were other fish in the sea? You wouldn’t forget your phone’s texting capabilities, but who would you have to text if you didn’t have those friends who are so dear to you?

So, I write this conclusion not as a traditional one, but rather a “getting on my knees and begging you” one. Please, please, please don’t take the ones in your life that you care about for granted. Don’t let them go unnoticed. Don’t allow them to fade into the background even once your troubles have passed. Let them know you care for and appreciate them. If we can’t do a simple task such as tell the ones close to us how much they mean to us, how are we supposed to do so on a larger scale? Human beings were made to be creatures of compassion – so be compassionate.

Stay strong.

– Ryan

 

As life takes its course

Wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I haven’t written in a few weeks, so I apologize in advance if this post comes across as rather sloppy. My mind is so creatively static from being idle so long.

As I sit here, at a fancy Starbucks sipping my fancy coffee (wot wot), trying to find some eloquent way to explain my absence from the blogosphere as of late, I find myself struggling to come up with why exactly I was absent. Looking back at the past few weeks, I can’t really pinpoint any precise reason as to why I haven’t written. I’ve been working just as much as I always have, although my schedule has primarily shifted to the wee hours of the morning…I’m generally up before the sun is. For most of my life I’ve been a night owl, so it’s been quite the kick to my internal clock. But I’ve adjusted, and I can’t tell myself I haven’t been writing because of that.

I’ve found myself being a lot more exploratory lately, going to places I normally wouldn’t. Including now, for example – I’ve just driven 45 minutes to a Starbucks straight outside of the city of Chicago, right across from where the Cubs play at Wrigley Field. It’s not that I don’t normally go to coffee shops (coffee runs through my veins more than blood), but driving a bit of a distance to explore the city as I did earlier today isn’t something I would have caught myself doing a few months prior.

So as I’m sitting here, my cup of fancy coffee a bit emptier than it was two paragraphs ago, I’m asking myself, why now? Why am I taking time where I would normally be writing, reading, or worrying to be more adventurous? Simply put, I’m not entirely sure. My best guess, my gut tells me, is that I’m feeling I’m becoming so…static. Internalized. Boring. I’ve never been an extrovert, but I’ve had times in my life where I’ve felt the need to explore and take advantage of my surroundings. I’ve lived within a short train ride to Chicago for almost three years now, and today marks only the fourth or fifth time I’ve visited, and a couple of those times I didn’t really do anything. I love hiking and exploring the outdoors, but when I lived in Washington, a beautiful, mountainous state, I never even ventured into those mountains, only the foothills close to my house. I could see the wondrous, snow-capped Mt. Rainier from my workplace, yet I never took advantage of it.

I don’t want to be static anymore. I don’t want to sit on my couch, looking at the beautiful scenery passing me by and not enjoy it. I don’t want to let my anxiety prevent me from experiencing life as I believe it’s meant to be experienced. I’m sure that I sound incredibly cliché with my whole “take life by the reins” spiel, but as I try to figure out why I haven’t been spending as much time on things as I normally would (such as writing and posting on here), my mind is telling me that’s the reason. At least, I think it’s the reason.

Like I said, I’m not even sure. Maybe I’m making up a reason to sound philosophical and wise.

I do still want to write. I still am going to write. Is it going to be less often, or will I fall out of my newly adventurous ways and revert back to posts every week or so? I don’t know, only the future will tell. If I have my way, I’ll get back to posting every week, but life is unpredictable, and so am I. I’m not leaving, I promise you that, but only the future can tell whether or not I’ll get back into the habit of writing as often as I had been.

Funny thing is, I’ve still been reading all of your posts. If I follow you, I’ve most likely read all of your posts since my last one, I just haven’t been taking the time to make posts of my own. And I’m still amazed at the creativity, wisdom, and wonderment you all convey in your posts. Bravo.

So, this short post in a nutshell: life is just that – life. Unpredictable, but I wouldn’t want it to be any other way. I hope life is going swell for you, dear reader, and I’m coming back to this habit of posting more often if I can help it. Sooner rather than later, I certainly hope!

Stay strong.

– Ryan

 

 

Cultivating Authenticity

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want.” – Margaret Young

If you’ve read or seen even a shred of motivational work in your lifetime, you’ve certainly heard the phrase “be yourself.” When I hear this, my mind goes back to the quote by E.E. Cummings I mentioned in my last post (“To be yourself in a world….is the hardest battle which any human being can fight.”). Simply “being yourself” can seem to lead to societal pushback, the whispers and murmurs behind our backs. It isn’t so much the act of authenticity that rubs some people the wrong way, it’s more so the guile of it. On one hand, we’re expected to be ourselves. On the other, we’re expected to be people-pleasers, expected to find the balance between honesty and keeping others comfortable. Tell the truth, but don’t say anything to make others too uncomfortable. Have the courage to disagree with the majority, but don’t say anything controversial. Do your best to sound informed, but don’t come across as a know-it-all.

Some may argue that it’s about finding a balance between authenticity and people-pleasing, but I disagree. When we have to courage to be ourselves and nothing but, there will be some resistance, both from others and our own minds. We may fear that others may not like us as much when they see what we truly are and believe. So much of society is expected to put on the chameleon facade, adapting to the situations as they come, even if that means altering our personality and mask we put on for others. But, if life is about connections, then the only way we can cultivate and nurture those connections is to, and I quote, “be ourselves.”

Is it easy? Absolutely not. Many individuals already have problems with maintaining a healthy self-esteem, so to be asked to shed their safety blankets and show their true, imperfect selves can be incredibly daunting. But putting on a mask for everyone has its own risks. When we refuse to put our true ideas, talents, and opinions out into the world, they eat away at us. They fester in our minds and eat away at our worthiness. You can trade in your authenticity, but in return you may experience anxiety, depression, rage, resentment…the list goes on.

Think of authenticity not as a personality quirk, but as an active lifestyle choice. To quote Brené Brown, “Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” To quote her again, “Stand on your sacred ground.” Your sacred ground is your true self. Your morals, ideas, opinions, talents, all uniquely yours. Don’t let any disapproving glances or sneers from society throw you off your foundation, your “sacred ground.”

Mrs. Brown also has another invaluable piece of advice on the subject –

“I try to make authenticity my number one goal when I go into a situation where I’m feeling vulnerable. If authenticity is my goal and I keep it real, I never regret it. I might get my feelings hurt, but I rarely feel shame. When acceptance or approval becomes my goal, and it doesn’t work out, that can trigger shame for me: ‘I’m not good enough.’ If the goal is authenticity and they don’t like me, I’m okay. If the goal is being liked and they don’t like me, I’m in trouble.”

You were made specifically to be uniquely you. Don’t let fear of disapproval from others get in the way of what you’re meant to share with the world.

Stay strong.

– Ryan

Add: Much of the inspiration for this series of posts comes from Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W., a writer and researcher who has written multiple books on shame and courage. Her TED talks are available on her website, and she’s also available on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn. I would highly suggest checking out her work.

Her website

Her Twitter